Score One For Bill Simmons

I was just looking at ESPN’s Bill Simmons’ NBA preview when I decided to add up all his predicted records and see if they equaled .500. Often – particularly in football previews – analysts predict each team’s record, and somehow it all adds up to the league playing .575 ball or something. So, I took five minutes out of my very busy Thanksgiving break to tally it up.

And guess what. The league’s record equaled .500. I feel sort of dirty complimenting a major sportswriter for, like, making sure that this mathematical inevitability exists in his predicted records. I mean, this is like telling your son you’re proud of him for not killing someone. Well, it’s not exactly like that, but you get my point. Anyway, kudos to Bill Simmons. I look forward to the day he screws up and I can hammer him mercilessly.

Also, a current headline on ESPN.com’s main page reads “[Mike] Tyson eats sloppy joes, reads mob epic in jail stay.”

Seriously? This is what we’re putting on the front page? This is one of the many reasons why ESPN is kind of a complete joke sometimes.

Because, Yes, I Am That Bored

I know it’s only been, like, 13 days since the season ended. But I am already going through such bad withdrawal that I started a fantasy season in MLB ‘07: The Show on my PS3.

Heres the roster:

C Russell Martin
1B Albert Pujols
2B Robinson Cano
3B Ryan Zimmerman
SS Troy Tulowitzki
LF Brad Hawpe
CF Curtis Granderson
RF Jim Edmonds

SP Cole Hamels
SP Justin Verlander
SP Curt Schilling
SP Fausto Carmona
SP Jeff Weaver

RP Joel Pineiro
RP Joe Borowski
RP Chad Bradford
RP Mike Myers
RP Hideki Okajima
CP Jose Valverde

C Yadier Molina
IF Daryle Ward
IF Dustin Pedroia
OF John Rodriguez
OF Melky Cabrera
UT Scott Spiezio

I will sporadically provide updates throughout the fake season. If this team doesn’t win 118 games, I will return my PS3 to Best Buy.

Stephen A. Smith Is Looking For A Fight

This probably isn’t all that funny, but it first flabbergasted me, and then made me laugh. On tonight’s “NBA Shootaround” (SAS is Stephen A. Smith):

(discussion of Shaq’s decline)

HOST: And let’s not not forget, Shaq is still owed $60 million on that deal.

SAS: (confrontationally): IT’LL BE $40 MILLION AT THE END OF THIS YEAR!

HOST: Yup.

SAS: (more confrontationally): BUT HE’S GOT A LOT OF MONEY THOUGH!

HOST: …

(cuts to commercial)

Stephen A. Smith, who the hell are you arguing with?

Is This Why The NL Sucks?

ESPN.com features an article today that addresses some of the more interesting off-season questions. One such question asks who is more appealing, Andruw Jones or Torii Hunter? An NL executive responds:

“The difference in defense is probably negligible these days,” an NL general manager said. “But offensively, I think Torii is a better player. I’m not sure either guy is what we consider a ‘professional hitter,’ but Torii has a better chance to hit good pitching.” (emphasis mine)

Seriously, that means nothing. Absolutely nothing. That is utter junk, and that GM should immediately be fired. This is the most idiotic baseball quip since Dusty Baker pooh-poohed sluggers who walk because it “clogs up the basepaths.”

Andruw Jones and Torii Hunter are paid to hit and play defense. They are professional hitters. Hitting is their profession. They get paid to hit. Their paycheck and livelihood depend on their ability to hit a baseball. Hitting a baseball is the reason they make money. They are professional hitters.

To be less technical for a moment, I (unfortunately) know exactly what the hell this GM is talking about. I know this because, after watching hundreds of baseball games over the last several years, I have heard plenty of broadcasters anoint certain players “professional hitters.” Over time and without any semblance of an explanation from said broadcasters, I have discovered what qualities it takes to be considered a “professional hitter.” The qualities – typically – are as follows: white, not very good, utility/platoon player, impatient, high contact, no power. The best example I can give would be Frank Catalanotto. This is because, for all four years he was with the Blue Jays and playing against the Yankees in the AL East, broadcasters would – without fail – call him a “professional hitter” once a game.

So, yes, because Andruw Jones and Torii Hunter are black, good, full-time, of average patience, low contact, high power hitters, then they are not “professional hitters.”

I guess my point is, yet again, that this is lazy, horrific analysis. This anonymous GM makes important decisions for a big business, and the best he can muster (on supposedly short notice) is that he’s “not sure either guy is a professional hitter.” That means nothing. Here is what I can muster on short notice: I would rather have Andruw Jones in CF because (a) he is 2 years younger than Hunter (b) he has a higher career OBP and SLG than Hunter (c) his defense is probably a little better than Hunter’s, and at worst equal, which still gives Jones the advantage because he is younger. That’s what I would say on short notice. I may be wrong, but at least the process by which I came to this decisions is reasonably intelligent.

But nope, this GM’s professional opinion is that neither are that great because neither is a “professional hitter.” Amazing.

Two Very Small Beefs

Two beefs with yesterday’s “Pardon The Interruption”:

(1) One of Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon’s topics (I think it was duing The Big Finish) was today’s Navy-Notre Dame. The question was “can Navy upset Notre Dame?” Navy is 4-4 and Notre Dame is 1-7. I know they’re Notre Dame, but how many games does it take to realize that they stink? It would be an upset if Notre Dame won.

(2) I know the show is designed as a conversation you’d have with a friend at a bar, and thus is prone to some fairly wild predictions and unsubstantiated analysis. But it still bothered me a little when Kornheiser asked Wilbon “what are the chances that the big four undefeated teams (BC, Ohio State, Kansas, and Arizona State) remain undefeated through the weekend?”, and Wilbon emphatically said 0%.

The chances would be 0% if two of the four played each other, but this is not the case. BC plays Florida state, Ohio State won, Kansas won, and Arizona State plays Oregon. It is a distinct possibility that all four will remain undefeated. 0% is a dumb, dumb answer. At least say 1%.

Back to football.

Isiah Thomas, I Hate You

The New York Knicks were my first sports love. As such, it absolutely pains me to see what Isiah Thomas has done and will continue to do to the franchise. I recognize that James Dolan isn’t free from blame either, and probably deserves more than Isiah.

Anyway, this quote caught my eye:

“Overall, I was pleased with our effort,” Thomas said. “We had to do a better job at the foul line. If we could do a better job from the foul line, it’s a different ballgame. In a six-point basketball game, it’s the little things that beat you.”

The score was 110-106, Cavaliers. It was a four-point game. Not six. I am being a nitpicky jerk, and I am comfortable with that.

More infuriating is the fact that Isiah seems to think that poor free-throw shooting is the reason the Knicks lost. Here’s an idea. Let me know if you’re with me on this. I think – maybe – the main problem is letting the Cleveland freaking Cavaliers drop 110 on you. The Cavs are awful. They are bad at basketball. Maybe, Isiah, the problem is you constructing a roster that has less than zero interest in playing defense. Maybe the problem is your strange fascination with obtaining as many guys as possible that need the basketball to be effective. And usually they aren’t even all that effective when they have it. I think that might be the problem. Not free-throw shooting, you idiot.

I hate Isiah Thomas. Rant over.