Jerry Thornton Is Irrelevant (And He Knows It)

Believe it or not, I have better things to do with my time than dissect this column written by WEEI’s Jerry Thornton. I can’t tell if it’s satirical or serious, but either way, it’s worth a read if for no other reason than these paragraphs:

I loved sports in general and baseball in particular and became fascinated by the numbers. Also, I found out that a guy from my high school, who was drafted in the top 10 in the country by the Mets, was digging foundations at a construction site where my brother was the foreman. So, in addition to realizing Judge Smails was right about the world needing ditch diggers, I figured following baseball was probably a surer route to success for me than actually playing it.

But then, I made an amazing discovery. Something that the Stat Geek population doesn’t know and never will. Women. And it changed my life forever, in much the same way that Blossom’s life changed in that Very Special Episode where she gets her period, I would never be the same. As I recall, the exact moment for me came when Phoebe Cates climbed out of the pool in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and took her top off in slow motion to the Cars’ “In Stereo” that did it for me. What Phoebe showed me that day was perfection. I wanted to have them and I was willing to do what it took to get them. Then my whole world was transformed. Suddenly Butch Hobson’s RBI total didn’t mean quite as much. Jim Rice’s total bases faded from my mind. And for me that mean putting away the Baseball Encyclopedia, getting outside and living an actual life. It also led to other discoveries like jobs, cars, activities, beer and sunlight.

Creepy? Pathetic? Insecure? I vote for all of the above.

Whoever you are, Jerry Thornton, just go away. Irrelevance must be hard to swallow.

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