Just When I Think I’m Out, They Pull Me Back In

November 27, 2008

I have not posted in forever. I’m genuinely embarrassed to look back at the date of my last offering. So I won’t. We have a black president. My sister is in college. The Knicks are unstoppab…okay, so not everything has changed since my last post. I have many reasons for my absence (neglect?), but most of them are inadmissible. The reason for my newfound vigor, however, is easily traceable. 

Last night, I went to Madison Square Garden with my dad for a college basketball doubleheader. I hadn’t been to the Garden in ages. The Knicks are a total disaster, and monetarily rewarding Isiah Thomas for his truly remarkable and successful destruction of my first love was not exactly an enticing prospect. In any case, it was delightful to return to the Garden. Until the man sitting next to me opened his mouth.

The moment came midway through the first half of the Boston College-Purdue game. Purdue was leading, 18-16. The gentleman to my right, apparently a Purdue fan, nurturingly and paternally turned to his young son. Then, with the most genuine confidence imaginable, he uttered the following:

“That’s weird, Purdue hasn’t hit any 3s. I know that because they have an even number of points.”

This must have been what it felt like to lose a million dollars at a single hand of blackjack. I was crushed. Not even angry, just crushed. I knew that this sort of stupidity was pervasive in all the sports media entities I have previously bashed. I just had no idea that it could trickle down to the streets like this. This proved that, just like the rest of us, idiots grew up and got jobs and had kids and saw basketball games at Madison Square Garden too. They do not work exclusively at ESPN, or Sports Illustrated, or CBS, or the White House. They walk amongst us.

So, I’m back. People like this man must know that Purdue can, in fact, have 18 points by hitting exclusively three-pointers. If this man can hold a job and make enough money to afford four good seats for his family at Madison Square Garden, then I have no excuse not to blog about how wrong that is.

The war against lazy, shoddy, and outright ridiculous analysis wages on, and I’m back in the trenches.


ESPN Must Improve: “Ability To Cover Sports”

June 27, 2008

I was trying to think of some witty way to introduce my newest complaint about ESPN, but I really don’t have it in me. The direct route seems more fitting for this one:

During last night’s NBA Draft, the viewer is treated to a highlight reel for each recently drafted player. Once the montage is over, ESPN tells us what each player must improve to have a more successful NBA career. It’s fun to read this, because invariably every white guy must improve his athleticism, foreign guy his toughness, and black guy his professionalism.

So, I was sitting at a bar and watching the draft with my friends. They were very patient and understanding of my desire to stick around until Shan Foster gets drafted. After all, I went to college with him and he has been prominently involved in some of my greatest memories from school. The 51st pick rolls around, and the Dallas Mavericks take him. We applaud and cheer. The highlight reel rolls. Shan Foster “must improve: 3-point shooting.”

Wait, what?

Foster shot 46.9% from deep his senior year. He also attempted the 13th most 3s of anyone in the country. And hit 46.9% of them. Foster’s shooting ability is the reason he got drafted. He’s not a great defender. He doesn’t get to the line. He’s not proficient at attacking the basket. He’s an average passer. But he’s a gifted, gifted shooter. His shooting is the one skill that might give him a spot in the league.

Now, the volume was off at the bar. Maybe one of the analysts saw that horrendous error and said something like “I don’t know why we have that up there” or “that is wrong.” If they did that, then I will calm down a little. If they didn’t, then that is the laziest, most careless analysis that I have ever seen.

Just awful.


March 14, 2008

Curt Schilling

Curt Schilling has never won the Cy Young award.

I Have A Hard Time Believing That You Have A Hard Time Naming A Better Third Baseman Than Joe Crede

January 28, 2008

From Rick Morrissey’s recent column about the 2008 Chicago White Sox:

But I have a hard time naming a better third baseman than a healthy [Joe] Crede.

Mr. Morrissey has never heard of Alex Rodriguez. Or Chipper Jones, Mike Lowell, Miguel Cabrera, David Wright, and Aramis Ramirez.

Dude, Seriously

September 25, 2007

During tonight’s Devil Rays-Yankees game, the Tampa play-by-play guy says:

“[Kei] Igawa, the 28 year old righthander, won 14 games in Japan last year.”

This was as Igawa was throwing a pitch, towards the plate, conclusively with his left hand.

No correction followed.

George Herman Ruth, You Moron

September 12, 2007

FOXSports.com’s Dayn Perry’s power rankings:

4. The Yanks are once again surging, and they now hold a semi-comfortable lead in the AL Wild Card chase. Alex Rodriguez reached the 50-homer mark for the third time in his career, and he’s on pace to finish the season with 58 bombs, which would be the second-most in Yankee franchise history. On the downside, Andy Phillips is likely done for the year, and Roger Clemens probably won’t be able to return to the mound until the weekend.

I am going to ignore the fact that Perry thinks losing Andy Phillips is a problem for the Yankees, because it’s not a problem – it’s a blessing.

What I am going to focus on is the part where Perry thinks that 58 homers would be the second most in Yankee franchise history. Roger Maris is first with 61 – I think we pretty much all know that. But there’s also this Babe Ruth guy who hit 59 homers in 1921, and 60 in 1927. Last time I checked, 59/60 > 58. If A-Rod hits 58, that would be fourth most in franchise history. Not second. Not third. Fourth.

The Greatest Sports Lawsuit of All Time

August 15, 2007

First, it’s handwritten. Second, what?